BCN WEEK | Barcelona's Alternative Newsweekly

On our most recent urban trawling^[1] engagement, the BCN Week investigative team found itself inescapably drawn to the neon lights above the opaque glass at Via Laietana, 51. Far from an ironic journey into kitsch, our Barcelona Bingo Hall cherry pop^[2] revealed that this game is not just for grandmas. Considered by many to be boring and mindless, Bingo is actually replete with heart-pounding thrills, idol worship, and eats as cheap as a two-bit hustler^[3]. It could even leave you with a need to get on the horn^[4] yourself.

Hanging out with old people is retro cool. Sure, maybe you balk now at the thought of watching geriatrics crop dust^[5] their way to a table, but I assure you that the bingo devotees are vital creatures, sharp as eagles. In addition, attendance at a Bingo sala can fulfill both your desire to be the best-looking person in the room, and the desire to escape to a less sexually-aggressive atmosphere than the bars and the glory holes^[6] you’re used to.

We, for instance, dragged ourselves into the entrance at 18:30h on a rainy Sunday, hungover and unwashed. Far from looking like we were doing the walk of shame^[7], we registered barely a nod as we lethargically squeezed ourselves into four seats by the wall. We set about tidying our area, bouncing along to the 40 latino radio. We checked out the marker selection: all red, all brand Carioca Joy, all standing at attention^[8] in a plastic box^[9]. We rejoiced over the 1.40€ medianas. We were ready, or so we thought.

Suddenly a woman in an orange shirt with the harsh black bangs of a dominatrix is barking, “¿Cuántas?” Huh? “¿Cuántas?” We are deer in the headlights, unable to speak. “¿CUÁNTAS QUERÉIS?” Our bladders feel weak. Mommy? “Cuatro,” we finally whisper. She rips four cards off the roll and walks away, disgusted. And the numbers are rolling, dictated by a cartoonish voice. We already feel behind and confused, tense with the apprehension that we might miss a number. We are holding our V-cards^[10] in a land of Hentai^[11], and before we know it, it’s all over, and someone else is receiving 300€ on a silver platter. We have to take a breather, and it’s only round one.

Our fellow patrons are solitary creatures. Many bring talismans to aid them to victory, much like the lucky ass floss^[12] you don on a night you plan to get cougarific^[13]. It’s communal and it’s not. Regulars greet one another in recognition, then quickly scurry away to set up their squirrel-harvest^[14] cash piles at their favorite tables. You could easily go there as a couple, therefore doing something together, but yet not speak to each other the entire time. The potential wisdom to be garnered from going and seeing a projection of yourself 40 years into your marriage is priceless.

There are other aspects, of course. Even if you choose to sit in the nonsmoking room, the air wafting in from the coal-plant-inspired smoking area is so thickly toxic as to immediately make for ideal scarfing^[15] conditions. The people eating the 2.50€ burgers and 6€ steaks remain at their seats, letting the smoke sink into their greasy upper lips and causing you to recall the image of your last Dirty Sanchez^[16]. The only sympathetic creatures are the tuxedoed fluffers^[17]/waiters lubing up patrons for the next round.

Other than these small business exchanges, there is only the periodic whisper of marker on paper, and the cathedral silence. Like the gentle foreplay of Sunday afternoon sex, the pervasive and calming monotony, filled with anticipation, is broken only by the sound of the next person experiencing the minipeaking frisson of calling out, “¡Línia!”

Yet, from one set of balls to the next, there’s a changeover. The soothing sound system suddenly falls under the hypnotic power of a new bingo caller with the voice of a batslut^[18], purring, “Setenta y seis. Siete-seis.” We’re back in, and our hearts are racing. “Catorce.” Yes. “Cincuenta y cuatro.” Yes! “Noventa.” Yes, oh my God, yes! “Veintisiete.” YES! YES! YES! “Tres.” I’m about to… “Han cantado ‘Bingo!’” NO! A small, chubby lady rejoices across the room. Our muscles are cramped, our desire unfulfilled. We feel…used.

Five rounds later, 35€ in, still no victory, and we finally realize that we’re never going to get what we came for. We were bored. The thrill was gone and had been replaced by the knowledge that we were sitting in other people’s crumbs and starting to get headaches. The urge to take a nap was overwhelming. Still, we didn’t walk away completely empty-handed. Our door prizes^[19] (a green plastic raincoat, a set of Her’s cheese knives, a backpack, some teacups) made it all worth it. I think.

^[1]To walk around with your dick hanging out, as if to use it to trawl for something.

^[2]Losing your virginity.

^[3] A swindler or crooked “business”person.

^[4]A command issued toward a potential administrator/ administratrix of fellatio.

^[5]Expelling gas through your ass as you stroll by an unsuspecting victim.

^[6]A hole located in a partition in which one‘s penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio.

^[7] When you leave someone‘s house with the same clothes you had on the night before.

^[8]An erect penis.

^[9] Female genitalia.

^[10] Term used to define one‘s virginity.

^[11] Hentai is animated pornography showcasing women who have better bodies than any real women (yet have weird hairstyles and haircolours) and men with enormous penises.

^[12] A g-string.

^[13] A woman that is a sexy beast, well practiced in art of seduction.

^[14] To insert your testicles into a woman’s vagina and proceed to have sex with her with only your testicles.

^[15] The practice of intentionally reducing the amount of oxygen to the brain during sexual stimulation in order to heighten the received pleasure from orgasm.

^[16] Performed when a male fingers a female‘s ass and wipes the remnants on the female‘s upper lip.

^[17] Person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male porno stars blowjobs in order to get them ready to perform.

^[18] Female version of Batman.

^[19] A common pre-paid sexual service, usually offered at Stag parties.

In honor of the 69th edition of BCN Week, we introduce you to...

Sexy Bingo!