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Aries
Last night I dreamt I was on Bogatell beach. The people stood like statues on the periphery, bound in stony immobility by the new No-Beach-Dancing rules. They yearned to break free, but they needed a Pied Piper to lead them away from artificial constraints and back to their primordial knowledge of what is right. And a sandy, summertime, MDMA-induced whirling dervish is oh-so-right. You are that Pied Piper. Lead the people home.
Taurus
Though it may not seem like it, good things often come in risky packages. Sure, you can’t tell what’s behind door number three, but that doesn’t mean you should leave the game. It could be a pile of Fleetwood Mac cassettes, but it could also be a year’s supply of boysenberry-flavored condoms. That’s a metaphor. Venga. Your curiosity wants to take flight.
Gemini
Smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer is fun, it’s true. Ahh, the sweet release of seeing that gorgeous flesh and shiny seed fly in all directions. But once the act is over, ain’t no putting Humpty back together again. You have a choice these days: Will you be the joyous destroyer or the nurturing conservationist of the things and people you love? Each choice has its own merits, and also its own particular consequences.
Cancer
Ponder the wonder of the mighty flea. Bald as Carod Rovira, black as your lungs, he is nevertheless a creature of immense strength and tenacity. His response to stress and the disruption of his ecosystem, whether via a dog’s chewing fangs or a chemical wash, is to jump around and get some exercise until the turf has settled. You’ll need to be flea-like these days; just be glad it’s visions of Pulex and not Phthirus pubis that are coming to me.
Leo
What’s happened to your mighty mane? I used to love how every day you made it special, a reflection of your emotions, so much better than a shitty status alert on Facebook. But lately you’ve gone all ratty. Is it just descuido, or are you really feeling like a tangled, nappy mess? Remember, you must act as you would have others see you. Belief in yourself comes before the adoration you seek.
Virgo
I like a little classic imperfection, and I think you do too. Not genius masked as imperfection; I’m talking true mediocrity. I’m talking smoking a joint with bad weed, eating half of a stale baguette, having only Marmite to put on your toast. The middle of the road, if you can learn to accept it every now and again, is a meditative temple into which anxiety cannot enter because it can’t summon the energy to do so. Channel Belén Esteban, channel Enrique Iglesias.
Libra
You’re a horny little bastard these days, and I know it’s tearing you apart. Why? Because you can’t control yourself. Even the incessant rain isn’t putting a damper on your Mach-5 libido. Look: Did that ever bother Bond? No, it did not. Soon enough you’ll enter a period of monastic chastity so complete that this current red dragon fire will seem a tea candle in comparison.
Scorpio
Right now you’re feeling invincible, like you could keep on keepin’ on forever. You’re bonkers. Have you seen the way your friends now look at you askance? Yes, your powers of recuperation may be impressive, but there’s a lot to be said for taking time to read comics on the commode. You’ll ignore me, of course. But let me plant the following seed: vacances. All the kids are doing it.
Sagittarius
All around you it seems like people are crazy and depressed. Not because of you, por supuesto. You are riding a wave of calm joy not unlike cats in heat after a particularly good polvo. Don’t get dragged down by the Mormon missionaries, or the charity beggars, or the innocents they accost on the street. Take a little hiatus from the nutjobs and go to the country to seek some adventure.
Capricorn
Wah, wah, my little ram. Everything seems a bit wrong these days, eh? No salt on your pipas, no tomàquet on your bread. Yeah, things are a little out-of-sync, but that might be good for you. The road to glory is paved with wobbly rajoles. If it weren’t, you’d probably become a pompous ass, and no one wants that. Take a page from Hillary and retreat into the shadows for a while.
Aquarius
I opened my nevera recently to find that my options were: slice of jamon dulce (1), cheese (2 cubic centimeters of), bit of rye bread (half not moldy), and tomato (one quarter, erroneously placed back in the fridge instead of the bin when it fell on the floor in an earlier incident). Instead of saying, “Fuck it,” and going out to get a slice of pizza, I proceeded to make the most pathetic sandwich in the history of mankind. Are you making similarly illogical decisions these days?
Pisces
My favorite part of amusement parks as a child was the hall of mirrors. So many possibilities, so many versions of myself, so much pleasure in getting lost. Of course, that was before I saw The Shining. I’m not saying you’re going to find bloody twins, but be careful not to lose yourself in a fantasy world. Endless surface mutation may distract you from finding out what’s in your heart.
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