BOOMTOWN COGS 2007 ROUNDUP

by Stephan Ortiz

2007 started with the oldest pregnant woman in the world giving birth here in Barcelona. An odd Mary, 67 year-old Carmela Bousada, went to LA to be artificially inseminated after selling her house to pay costs and lying to doctors about her age. She had to hormonally revive her uterus, because it stopped cycling 17 years before, and it had been 10 years since her last sexual relation. She gave birth in the Hospital de Sant Pau to twin boys, Pau and Cristian. In an interview with the Daily Mail, she said that she was in the market for a younger man to help out with the family and around the house. And, when asked how she was going to handle two babies at her advanced age, she replied that she’d just get one of “those playpen things when they start toddling.”

Let’s try to create a kinder, suppler breast to suckle in 2008. The juice from a dry, wrinkly teta isn’t exactly la leche.

JANUARY

Just a month after closing the okupa funhouse La Makabra, Hereu tells his friends in government that they have to consider squatting a cultural phenomenon that must be negotiated.

Three feisty chicas testified in their own defense. Their alleged offense? Propping their feet on a bench in the Gràcia plaza, Rius i Taulet. The requested fine? 135€ each.

150 neighbors protest the proposed routing of the AVE through the center of the city. They say that cracks are already developing in El Prat.

FEBRUARY

Venues begin to close across town as neighbors’ complaints, given muscle by the civismo ordinances, force City Hall to get tough on bar licenses.

MARCH

The first domino of infrastructure breakdown falls asthe Cercanías trains begin to fail.

More cracks start to develop in buildings of residents of El Prat.

Interim-mayor Hereu flies off to NYC to have a picture taken with Woody Allen.

Hereu saves the modernist Casa Burés, on the corner of Ausiàs Marc and Girona, circa 1905, from becoming a hotel. It is now destined to the Urbanization Museum. HA!

4 million euros are spent on two exhibition halls in the money pit otherwise known as the Fórum. The free exhibitions offer two complementary visions of the city and its urban planning through little models enclosed in glass, as well as audiovisual presentations.

32,000€ are spent replacing red, yellow and blue tiles on the Miró mosaic that blotches the mid-Ramblas. The whites and blacks aren’t touched. Jordi Portabella, one of the mayor’s more important henchmen, defends the gross misspending with some high-puffing, platitudinous speech asking that Las Ramblas be recognized as world heritage material. You know, like the Taj Mahal.

First alarm bells sound from SOS Rascisme regarding Mosso violence.

BiCiNg goes into action.

APRIL

Neighbors heckle Hereu at the official opening of Barceloneta’s new 7 million euro market in protest of the still-unresolved mandatory elevator planning for the city. Hereu is suspected of not caring.

Metro opens all night Saturday.

MAY

In their own defense, the Mossos say that it’s not that there were more abusive incidents, but that the citizens have been complaining more.

The Ajuntament spent 60,000€ guiding the missteps of tourists by installing those directional posts with maps.

The castle on Montjuïc hosts its first event as the Center for Peace. It’s a Bread and Butter-style runway for Custo.

Jordi Hereu officially elected as mayor in the general election.

JUNE

As buildings continue to develop cracks in El Prat due to construction of the AVE tunnel, plans are approved to bring the high speed baby 75 centimeters from the Sagrada Família.

The okupa “Pirate University” on Borbó is closed and demolished.

Barcelona zooms up 25 slots in the world’s most expensive cities list from its 56th place last year. 31st, baby. 31st.

Woody Allen receives an honorary doctorate from the Pompeu Fabra and begins filming his movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

JULY

The infamous blackout that lasted over a month for some residents begins.

AUGUST

Airport ground support collapses as residents try to leave town. Flights are delayed, baggage lost, vacations soured.

SEPTEMBER

The Gay Economic Summit takes place in Barcelona as city bosses try get some more cash flowing.

First woman firefighter in Barcelona gets her boots.

Barcelona places 8th in the list of cities with the worst air quality in the WORLD!

New bike regulations go into effect making it illegal to do lots of stuff.

Catalan independistas burn pictures of the King and Queen of Spain as the monarchs visit Girona.

Naked Man is ticketed for dangling civil disobedience.

OCTOBER

A 15-year-old Ecuadorian girl is kicked, slapped and groped on the metro by Spanish white trash.

An AVE tunnel collapses on its approach to Sants Estació. The predicted completion date of 23 December is officially forgotten.

NOVEMBER

Mossos pull their tried-and-true smackdown techniques on a pregnant Ecuadorian lawyer, allegedly calling her an ‘abogadita sudaca.’

To avoid conflict, civisimo ordinances are put on hold to accommodate the 20,000 Glasgow Rangers fans.

Jaume Roures, president of Mediapro, the production house that signed a contract for three Woody Allen films, says that Allen will not return to Spain or Catalunya for the remaining two films due to extremely “stingy pressures” that he experienced during the much-famed filming of Vicky Christina Barcelona.

DECEMBER

David Duke and David Irving speak two weeks apart at a right-wing bookshop in Barcelona.

Abróchense los Cinturones de Seguridad

This is Gonna Dejar Marca

by Joe Littenberg

¡Estamos apunto de catapultarnos al futuro! ¿Cómo va a ser el año que viene? ¿Qué destino tiene nuestra querida Catalunya? ¿Y Barcelona? ¿Cómo nos guiará nuestro fearless líder, el Señor Jordi Hereu i Boher?

Tranquilícense, amigos. Aquí llega, para darnos un cucú -tras el año nuevo, directo desde las páginas de internet gratis y poco fiables-, nuestro salvador, la numerología.

Ta DAaaaa! ¡Preparad y sacad las calculadoras!, pues vamos a sumar. El año 2008 tiene dos cifras importantes. El 2 y el 8. Olvídate de los dos ceros, como se olvidaron de ti en el colegio cuando no maduraste tan rápido como los demás. 2 más 8 son 10. Pero en numerología, a excepción del 11 y del 22, y otro par de cositas que no nos importan, siempre queremos terminar con una sola cifra. De nuevo, olvídate del cero, como tu madre se olvidó de ti en el parque aquella vez que se fue pá casa con tu hermana. Y ¡pim pam! Ya lo tenemos. 2008 reducido a su número numerológico es 1.

El 1 es un número muy grande. Todo empieza ahí, así que es un líder. Es la madre de las ideas originales, la invención y la creatividad. También, el número 1 stands alone. No necesita a nadie y, encima, es indivisible. Básicamente, el 1 tiene huevos. 2008 promete ser un año para coraje, ambición, voluntad, irreflexión y predominio. Yendo al grano, va a ser bastante bestia.

Ahora entra el número del destino. ¡Tirad la calculadora al suelo porque, para lo que viene, no sirve pá ná! Para encontrar un número de destino tenemos que mirar cuidadosamente por las antiguas obras maestras de alquimia y numerología o, curiosamente, simplemente poner “número de destino” en Google hasta que encontremos esto: Usando esta tabla, podemos averiguar cualquier número de destino. Cada letra, como cada relación fracasada, tiene un número que le corresponde. Suma los números que equivalen a cada letra de un nombre como, por ejemplo, Barcelona, y reduce el número final a una sola cifra, tal y como hemos hecho antes. ¡Pim pam! El número de destino de Barcelona es 8.

¿Qué quiere decir? ¿Qué va a pasar? ¡Ay, dios mío! Iiiiin-teresante… La entidad que tiene el número de destino 8 puede conseguir mucho con respecto al negocio y las posiciones de poder. Es financieramente sabio y, una vez que tiene un plan pensado, es ambicioso y trabaja con una energía insuperable. Le sobra autoestima. Parece que el destino de Barcelona es ser un poco como un toro (no un burro) en un rodeo americano - con más tacto, quizás, pero con igual fuerza y determinación; y cuando tiene claro que sus huevos están atados con una cuerda o sabe qué es lo que quiere quitarse de encima, (tanto si se trata de un vaquero como de uno con nacionalidad española), no duda en actuar.

2008 + Barcelona = ¡Uh, ala! Encima, Catalunya lleva el mismo número de destino. El 8. ¡Dios! 2008 + Catalunya + Barcelona parece igualar a un supertoro que sabe dar saltos y encorcovarse más que tu novia cuando la llamaste por el nombre de tu ex en medio de… bueno…

¿Qué vaquero valiente va a montarlo? Pues, nuestro alcade, el valiente Señor Hereu, obviamente. Después de calcular el número de destino de su nombre larguísimo, que es el 2, parece que hemos elegido bien. Parece. Los de número 2, como Jordi, trabajan bien con los demás, son modestos, bien educados, cooperativos y juegan el papel de mediador a la perfección. Pero, ¿pueden montar un toro rabioso? ¿Pueden subirse a la silla de montar, coger las riendas y darle a las espuelas? Quizás perdimos la fe en él después de 2007, después de apagones, atascos, etc. Pero el año que viene es otro, es nuevo. Y promete ser algo especial. Móntalo, Jordi. Móntalo bé.

Predictions, Resolutions, and a Reyes Wish List from Pijos y Putas

Carrer Sant Ramon

RESOLUTIONS
1. Fuck ALL men
2. Change to c/Sant Pau (You can make more money there)
3. Work harder
4. Forget about everything
5. Stop being a puta

PREDICTIONS
1. I'll be arrested
2. I'll be raped
3. I'll have sex with hundreds of men
4. I'll have three abortions
5. My children will be taken away

REYES WISH LIST
1. New Boots
2. New hair extensions
3. A sugar daddy
4. A BMW
5. Enough clients to keep my pimp happy

Pijo Kids Aged 12-14

RESOLUTIONS
1. Go to New York
2. Lose weight
3. Get the best national junior time in horseback riding
4. Win more ski races
5. Organize myself, better grades in maths and Catalan, visit my grandparent more often, sleep more hours

PREDICTIONS
1. Worldwide economic crisis, end of Iraq occupation, Tibet will separate from China
2. Lots of animals will become extinct; Chinese, Arabs and Indians will invade Europe; droughts and floods; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will adopt another boy
3. Al Qaeda will bomb the Empire State Building
4. It will be nicer
5. Chavez will leave the presidency and I will go back to my country

REYES WISH LIST
1. I already have a 650€ ski holiday present!!!
2. A new 90,000€ horse
3. I don't really want anything. I think I have enough or maybe everything, but maybe I'd like a...I don't know
4. A professional camera, from different places of the world to "coser"
5. A better world, and something material...an iPod

Witch Doctor

Yes, Barcelona has at least one witch doctor, and we’ve been in touch. Who better to make a statement about the state of things and future developments than someone who can advise you on the best days to gamble, remove an evil-eye curse, cast an evil-eye curse, cure impotency, and get you more business? Here’s what he said:

BCN WEEK: How do you see the New Year?

Witch Doctor: Tell me what you need and I can tell you how to get it.

BW: No, it’s not like that. I’m writing an article on predictions and I just want yours.

WD: But I need you to tell me your hopes and problems first.

BW: Ok, but it’s not about me. It’s about Barcelona and what’s going to happen.

WD: Hmm, I don’t really work like this. A prediction?

BW: Yes. Your card says that you have amazing powers of prediction. What do you see?

WD: Yes, of course. Things are going to get worse.

BW: Like how?

WD: Barcelona will become a city defined by sadness and desperation. City Hall will lose control of its departments and there will be an economic collapse. It will be a time of extreme test for all citizens, a test we will fail. Brother will turn against brother.

BW: Wow. What else can you tell me?

WD: Nothing. You’ll have to come in for a consultation so I can guide you through this dangerous time.

BW: What about something positive? Will anything good happen?

WD: Only if you know what to do will you be able to survive 2008.

BW: What about our mayor?

WD: He’s been cursed with the evil-eye.

BW: Oh no! Can you remove it?

WD: No, I cast it.

BW: So, nothing good for the city, its citizens or its mayor?

WD: These are dangerous times. People lie and cheat to get what they want. Everything for a euro. Souls are sold for money. These are disgusting, dangerous times.

BW: But we can change this, right?

WD: You must come in for a private consultation. 110€, I take credit cards.