EVERYTHING IS SMASHING, BABY!
Selling Barcelona, Summer Style
by Adela Lawson and Joe Littenberg
illustration by Becca Bland
SAN SEBASTIAN BEACH – BARCELONA, SPAIN - MIDDAY
[BINTY COSMOPOLITAN, British, stands on the beach in front of a camera crew. To her right is MOFA, a Pakistani man dressed as a donkey and wearing a forest ranger uniform. A cotorra named CHUCKY is perched on his shoulder and wears a political pin for PP and a sash that reads, “Las ideas claras.” The cameraman begins to count down as BINTY brushes her hair out of her face and pushes her breasts up a little higher in her bra.]
Cameraman:
3...2...1...Action!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
I’m Binty Cosmopolitan, owner and director of Binty’s Barna Beach, dedicated to bringing you and your gaggle hassle-free weekend journeys to Barcelona, Europe’s fun capital. Today I’ll be taking you down Barcelona’s famed beaches. With a little something for everyone, Barna’s coast has been conveniently divided into perfect parcels, each labelled with its own catchy name and colour-coded nameplates. No trouble with that pesky Catalan here! You’ll find all the signs are in the Queen’s English. Thanks, Barcelona!
I’m accompanied by my assigned local expert, Mofa, the Sardonic Donkey Forest Ranger. Mofa will be offering his own unique viewpoints, peppering the original script with a cautious realism of little use to holidaymakers having a good time. Despite centuries of friendship between our two nations, and fabulous cultural exchange in such communities as Marbella, Lloret de Mar and Benidorm, some locals are still a bit frosty towards our Northern advances!
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! ¡Devolvednos Gibraltar!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
First stop: San Sebastian. Famed for being home to those beach dwellers a bit lighter in the loafers, here they’re building a castle in the clouds. Fabulous! The “Hotel Vela” will finally offer those beautiful coastal vistas previously reserved only for those with hillside villas. When the hotel is finished in 2027, guests will enjoy their paella and sangria from the rooftop terrace overlooking this beach where we now stand.
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡La horchata se hace con chufas!
[BINTY looks at MOFA and cocks her head with a wildly puzzled look on her face. CHUCKY emits a little squawk that would seem to say, “¿Que coño?”]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Las grandes empresas de construcción siguen trabajando como cabrones para proveer de todo lo mejor a la gente rojagamba de bolsillos profundos. Además, en la montaña podrías comprar una gran casa bien construida, no como las de aquellos pringados del Carmelo.
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! Fot-te-la dins!
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Los demás tenemos la suerte de tener a la vista otro edificio asombroso de Ricard Bofill en lugar del cielo.
Binty Cosmopolitan:
Exactly! Later in the programme we’ll see another of Barna’s architectural masterworks. The Forum, the heart of culture and business in Barcelona, is located across from Diagonal Mar, where you can buy absolutely anything you need!
[A massive four-foot wave begins to gather momentum in the near distance. Suddenly BINTY is swallowed, her ‘80s-revival tease flattened mercilessly to her head as she is dragged four feet into the shallows and drowned.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡Dos barcos franceses o de Almería son como dos días de diluvio!
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! ¡Llena el pantano!
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Lo que Binty no sabe es lo de la famosa ola de San Sebastián. Cada día, hacia las dos, los barceloneses de por aquí esperan a una distancia prudente, mientras miran a los guiris que huyen como cucarachas del poder de una-vez-al-día del Mediterráneo. No hay socorristas por aquí...pues...
[shrugs his shoulders]
...pwaahh.
BARCELONETA BEACH – BARCELONA, SPAIN - MIDDAY
[BINTY drags herself up the beach for the next take, waterlogged but in high spirits. She plants herself in front of the camera, does her best to wring the water out of her hair, pushes up her breasts and clears her throat.]
Cameraman:
3...2...1...Action!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
Next up: Barceloneta. Here on the beach, you and your muffin-top friends can enjoy hours of leisurely entertainment. — Mofa, would you like a Pimm’s and piña? Perhaps a Pimm’s and lemonade with cucumber, Henley-style? — Anyway, you can choose to receive a massage from any number of the little brown ladies having a stroll and exercising their capitalistic right to work on this, one of Europe’s most pristine beaches. These Oriental masseuses will knead your pasty, doughy flesh into a smashingly relaxed state for a mere 15€. Smashing! That’s a mere £8.50, for those of us who never liked maths, or, unfortunately for our dear cousins across the Pacific, $31! Boo hoo for the Americans, eh, Mofa?
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! Sense vergonya!
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡Si los bebés gritaran, sonarían como gatos cachondos!
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! Barcelona no té manicomis!
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Por favor, deposite la basura en las papeleras diseño faux-pop-art que están atornilladas en el suelo cada 2 metros para su comodidad. O, si usted lo prefiere, sea completamente libre y tire su basura en la montaña gigantesca de residuos sobre la que descansa esta playa. Si cava unos metros, en seguida llegará al verdadero corazón de piltrafas y desechos tóxicos de la costa de Barcelona.
Binty Cosmopolitan:
What Mofa means to say, of course, is we are so lucky to have these wonderful seafronts. Thanks, Olympic committee!
[A massive four-foot-tall medusa flops out of the sea and wraps its tentacles around BINTY’S slender, chicken-like throat. Retching in pain, BINTY is dragged four feet into the shallows and drowned.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡El gato de latón en la Rambla del Raval tiene unos testículos tremendos, también de latón! Lo que Binty no sabe es lo de la plaga de medusas. Como efecto secundario del calentamiento global y de la sobreexplotación pesquera, Barcelona ha sufrido tres veranos con invasiones récord de medusas. Cuando hay sequía, poca agua dulce llega al mar para parar estas hordas de mocos. El Ajuntament intenta recogerlas a todas en barquitos, pero, como habrá visto Binty, los mocosos del mar aún les esquivan y se enganchan a tu pierna. ¿Socorrista?
[looking around]
¿No?
[shrugging his shoulders]
...pwaahh.
NOVA ICARIA BEACH – BARCELONA, SPAIN – EARLY AFTERNOON
[MOFA, CHUCKY are leaning against a stack of lounge chairs. CHUCKY sips a can of Estrella. MOFA has the rest of a six-pack in his hand. The CAMERAMAN is chatting up some guiri girls until he sees BINTY approaching. She’s still very wet and now her skin is completely covered in red welts. Nonetheless, as professional as ever, she irons out her dress with her hands, pushes up her breasts, and poses for the camera.]
Cameraman:
3...2...1...Action!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
[slightly out of breath]
We’ve made our way down to Nova Icaria, the hub of Barcelona’s beach nightlife. After a day spent frying off your ghostly-white flesh, it’s time to hit the clubs. Make sure to shower first, though, as this isn’t your ratty downtown Gotico fare! At venues like Catwalk, Shoko and Baja Beach Club, you’ll rub shoulders with Barna’s hip young international crowd. Try to get there on one of their Model Nights!
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! ¡Mátame ya!
[The crew has moved further down, off of the beach and into the marina area. They are now filming along the marina’s edge, close to the bars and clubs that line the harbor. There are several large groups of pasty-white and sunburned-red tourists, already drunk, sitting around tables loaded with empty beer bottles.]
Binty Cosmopolitan:
But whatever you do, get there before the sun sets so you can see the massive golden fish, one of Barna’s many outstanding pieces of contemporary public art. Massive! It’s standing proof that Barcelona is a modern city, as culturally advanced as Paris, New York, Tokyo or Hull.
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡Una araña tiene ocho ojos pero una iguana sólo tiene dos!
[BINTY, finally annoyed with these seemingly senseless comments and her lack of control, grabs one of MOFA’s beers, cracks it, and downs most of it while MOFA speaks to the camera.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡Sí! Y después del pez dorado también puedes disfrutar del hombre sujetapapeles, la otra escultura tan extremadamente rara para la que no hay ni palabras, o de la colección de bares sórdidos llenos de bailarines del poste vestidos como marineros y prostitutas. Puedes escuchar a grupos cover horribles, reggaeton sin fin y, si realmente tienes suerte, quizás algo de Oakenfold. ¡Y fíjate! Todo esto sólo te va a costar 9€ por cubata. No te preocupes. Hay un cajero al lado de la torre Mapfre.
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! ¡Rajoy aún tiene poder!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
[cracking another beer]
Oh, Mofa, there’s no price on fun! Right everybody?
[Gesturing towards the drunken hordes of her countrymen, BINTY throws up her hands in joy. In doing so, she sends beer and beer foam in every direction and then stumbles over a faux-Moroccan floor cushion, tumbles backwards into the marina and is drowned.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡A veces el jabón se hace con grasa humana!
[CHUCKY looks at MOFA with a disgusted face and flies away.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Lo que Binty no sabe es que este agua es casi, si no definitivamente, el agua más asquerosa de toda la costa española, aparte de donde aún no hayan limpiado los restos del Prestige. Pero bueno, los yates son good, clean fun, with good clean white shoes on good clean white people.
BOGATELL BEACH – BARCELONA, SPAIN – AFTERNOON
[BINTY stands in front of the camera, still wet, still welty, only now she’s also covered in a technicolor oily sheen from the dirty, petrol-infused marina water.]
Binty Cosmopolitan:
We’ve finally arrived at Bogatell, the jewel in the crown of the Barcelona beach experience. Whether kicking back on a chaise or shimmying up to the bar for one more fabulous mojito, you’re sure to have a spiff of a time. This is the best place to sample the chiringuito lifestyle. Through a bit of ingenious engineering, these petite brown shacks open out into entertainment super-centres. Pop in for a drink, or have your private party catered with your choice of guac, chicken skewers or savoury microwaveable pies.
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! ¡La mantequilla da asco!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
The DJ’s smooth house beats and the McDonald’s right across the highway will keep your spirits up and your body moving. But beware, too many of those tasty meat patties will put an extra jiggle in your bum. And nobody wants to see that in a bikini! Am I right?
Chucky, the PP Cotorra:
Awwkk! Posa’t guapa!
Binty Cosmopolitan:
Oh! Is that an Oriental man passing with latas?
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
¡Si un hombre fuera una garrapata, podría saltar 30 metros hacia arriba!
No, no, no, Binty... estos propietarios de chiringuito no podrán forrarse si tú vas comprando cervezas de un euro a estos vendedores renegados. Los propietarios han tenido que usar sus influencias para que los maestros titiriteros de la playa les vendieran sus contratos. Binty, ¿qué haces? ¡No, Binty, por favor! Por favor, no, el baile de Chikilicuatre...
Binty Cosmopolitan:
You can’t stop me! I’m a circus on holiday! I’m a bouncing monkey dance machine! I’m a candy-raving bunny! I’m a...
[BINTY, bumping her booty, backs into a burning four-foot-tall tiki torch, and her oil-slicked hair immediately bursts into flame. Seeking relief and overshooting the mark, BINTY rushes to the sea, throws herself into the shallows and is drowned.]
Mofa, el Burro Guardabosques Sardónico:
Hay un cielo para los canguros. Y un infierno.
[pause]
Lo que Binty no sabe es que el Ajuntament ha prohibido bailar en la playa recientemente para proteger a los turistas drogados y fuera de control de ellos mismos. Si Binty hubiera seguido la sabiduría del Ajuntament y sus nuevas leyes sutilmente fascistas, nunca habría tenido que conocer este triste destino. Todo es equilibrio, amigo mío. Seny i rauxa.
[pause]
Seny i rauxa.
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