Afrodisio Aguado Advice from a straight white male by Don Jeremy

Dear Don Jeremy,
Is there any truth in the rumour that if you eat enough garlic your sperm will become strong and emboldened? My girlfriend and I are thinking about adding to the human race and I want my sperm to be a real winner and get her first time.

Ajo

Dear Ajo,
In Antiquity, garlic was believed to endow its eaters with stamina and courage. The original Olympic athletes consumed it prior to competition, and ancient Greek and Roman soldiers ate it both before and during battle.

Within this context, Aristotle believed there was a direct link between food and semen, it being the residue of man’s nourishment – the ‘active’ excretion of the essence of his food. He then went on to say that ‘passive’ menstrual blood played this same role for women.

Regardless of how people used to view the question, contemporary health professionals agree: garlic is high in selenium, which is important for sperm production and performance (as are zinc and folic acid). Garlic will also make your spunk taste foul, so your girlfriend might appreciate that you stick to the program (see Hard Up, below). Other ways to fortify your sperm include abstaining from cigarettes, marijuana and alcohol, switching to boxers or just free-balling it from here on out, and getting plenty of water, antioxidants, fruits and vegetables. Try munching on celery. That’s what Peter North does, and he spews like Moby Dick.

Good luck on procreating.

P.S. Garlic is also bad for vampires, so I hope your lady isn’t emo.

Dear Don Jeremy,
God created all men equal, but he made mine a little odd and perhaps, at times, tiresome. An essential part of our love life is the boring and completely unnecessary (in my view) part of our foreplay where my boyfriend insists that I don high heels and stand on him for minutes at a time. It’s great that he enjoys it, but for me it is unbelievably dull. I have tried watching porn, reading erotic books, masturbating and many other things while standing on him but nothing has ever worked to get me super excited. Do you have any suggestions?

Big Foot

Dear Big Foot,
First off, God did not create all men equal. That’s just left-wing spin.

As for your problem, if you insist that he stop or curtail this fantasy, you will have to fill the void. You cannot have a revolution without building something new to replace the old order. Since he would likely be content with the status quo until the end of time, this transformative impetus has to come from you.

What will that be? Plumb the dark well of your own sexual fantasies and bring that muck to the light of day. Throw him off his game by showing up in an otter suit, or in an Andre the Giant mask and strap-on dildo. If water sports are your thing, then go ahead and empty your bladder while standing on his back. Explain how you need to piss on him to love him. If you prefer blurring lines of incest, then once intercourse begins, whip out your mobile phone and call his mother. Explain in lurid detail how her angelito is giving it to you. Tell her that he calls you mommy in these special moments. Don’t forget to mention his creepy shoe fetish. You’re looking for a game-changer here, so don’t hold back. Your goal is to shock him into considering the needs of someone other than himself (e.g., you).

And if that doesn’t work... have you tried stiletto heels?

Dear Don Jeremy,
I need to get laid, bad. The problem is I’m not good at going to bars and playing the loud macho ridículo. I’m the quiet type and I like meaningful conversation. Worse, I’m a ‘pretty boy’ and many women mistakenly think I’m gay. What should I do?

Hard Up

Dear Hard Up,
I recommend you play to your strengths: pretend you are gay and try to bag some fag-hag snatch. First, clean your flat. Then clean it again. Buy candles and those nice-smelling sticks in jars that gay men put in their bathrooms. Make sure you actually put them in the bathroom.

Get a short haircut and shave your stubbly face. Try a little cologne. No, you’ll probably fuck that up. Put on some stylish, tightfitting clothes and start up your computer. Go to loquo or milanuncios and put the following ad under chico-busca-chica:

“Soy un chico gay y pienso probar la cama con una chica. Llevo ‘anos’ sin hacerlo.”

Good luck if someone replies. Of course, it’ll probably be a man. If a woman does write and wants to meet, don’t exaggerate and act overly femmy or you’ll blow it.

Dear Don Jeremy,
What is it with guys and coming on faces? Are they all just steeped in male adolescent porn fantasies? I tried asking my boyfriend how he would feel if a guy came on his face, but I’m not sure that’s an appropriate parallel.

Money Shot

Dear Money Shot,
That is not an appropriate parallel. For straight men, any form of contact with another man’s semen is terrifying and obscene, roughly analogous to being burned by acid or ingesting venom, but worse. This holds true even if that semen is never seen and the contact is strictly olfactory and indirect, such as when smelled through the nose. We strenuously avoid contemplating other men’s semen, but we delight in contemplating our own.

Not all facials originate in misogyny. Yes, there are many men who think they are fundamentally degrading, but these guys are often operating from a puritanical premise that sex is dirty in general, and therefore any woman who does it with them is a nasty slut. On the other hand, look at it this way:

1. We consider our own semen to be a magic fluid (see Aristotle’s posthumous reply down through the centuries to Ajo, above). It is our seed, our nectar, our very essence. Any suggestion that it is unclean is by necessity a suggestion that we are unclean.

2. One of the things that really moves us about you women is when you gaze at us trustingly and adoringly with those beautiful, long-lashed eyes of yours.

3. So it is with spiritual awe that we watch as our long-awaited orgasm delivers our very essence onto your lovely adoring face. What a postcard!

4. P.S. We also really dig it when you rub it into your tits like lotion.

5. P.P.S. We want to defile you, you want us to take you there, and you can’t make omelettes without breaking eggs.